I am reading a David Sedaris book pretty much as we speak and it almost inspires me to write things down again, almost, totally. I read, I laugh, I think, mostly I think about the time I went to see/hear David speak in San Antonio a few years ago. I was so excited to go because if I went there was a great possibility of meeting him and making him my new best friend (along with Augusten Burroughs of course). So, my man friend at the time and I drove to SA, where we were a few minutes late, but I don't think David noticed, we were very respectful when entering the theatre, there was minimal toe stepping.
I was really into what David S. was saying, but mostly I could not stop thinking about what I was going to say to him when we finally met. I had to think of something good, something super catchy and smart so he would want to be best friends with me. I half listened to what he said, laughed at the appropriate times (just in case he saw me in the audience, I didn't want him to think I wasn't thoroughly amused by him). I kept saying lines and asking questions over and over in my head, giggling a little to myself, mentally patting myself on the back, I would win him over yet...the only problem was, that the main question that kept popping into my head was "did everything happen to David last week and yesterday?" He kept talking about all these things that happened to him last week and yesterday, for example, he went to the zoo and saw spider monkeys masturbating last week when he was in Boston..Ok, so that is the only example I can think of at the moment, but I know he mentioned things that happened yesterday or last week throughout the entire reading...nothing and I mean nothing happened five years ago...
Anyway, when David was finished speaking, we were invited to form a line to buy books and get autographs, etc. Normally, I would just walk out and discuss, but this was a special case, I wanted to be the first in line, after all I was on a mission, David Sedaris and I were going to be friends, maybe even best friends. So, I put my ego aside a little and allowed myself to be seen as one of those crazy people who wait in line for over an hour to simply speak to the "star". I was even a little nervous.
While we are waiting in line, I couldn't help but overhear the two blonde Dallas or Houston girls talking in front of us. I kept looking at them wondering if either them had actually ever read a book, they didn't look like the book types if you know what I mean. I don't totally recall what they were talking about, but I know it involved a lot of giggles and likes, so, of course, I was pretty much horrified and fascinated with them and they were so close to me, I had to exchange a few words with them. The conversation pretty much went like this:
girls: we love david
me: yeah, me too
girls: we drove all the way from houston (or dallas), where did y'all come from?
me: austin
girls: oh, how long did that take?
me: an hour and a half or so
girls: oh, we drove three hours and we are driving back tonight
me: oh
me in my head: what is this? a freakin contest?
As we got closer and closer, I got more and more nervous and could hardly speak. My hands began to sweat, words were swirling in my head, what was I going to say? What was I going to ask? It was almost my time! The girls stepped up to David and I was next, it was almost GO time! I then had this overwhelming sense of calm and knew David and I would fall into a deep friend love affair, I was busy fantasizing about our friendship when I was abruptly jolted back to reality when I heard David ask one of the girls, "So, what do you do for a living and what's the strangest thing you have ever encountered at your job?" My headed started racing, I was looking for an answer, a clever one to give him, because surely he would ask me the same question! Then I heard one of them answer, in her cute little dumb southern drawl, "Well" heehee "I'm a flight attendant and I guess the strangest thing I ever did see was a Seizure Lizard." FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, how was I ever going to out do a Seizure Lizard, I didn't even know what one of those were, but come on!!!!!!!!! David was as intrigued as I was, maybe even more intrigued. She went on to explain that some passenger that boarded one of her flights was prone to seizures and he brought on a lizard with him that would apparently alert the flight deck if the man was about to have a seizure...of course he didn't, but still a goddamn seizure lizard! ARG! How was I ever going to beat that?
So, seizure lizard lady and her blonde friend moved on and finally it was my turn! I was so excited and nervous I didn't even know what to do with myself, so I started with a simple, "Hello" and handed my books over and asked for an autograph for my roommate's boyfriend. David obliged me and then he started to draw a pumpkin head in one of my books just as I asked, "David, may I ask you a question?" and he said, "Anything..." I then continued on, slowly, cautiously, "So, does everything happen to last week or yesterday?" I thought I was being clever, until he stopped mid drawing and I swear I threw him, the pen almost went off of the page he was sketching on and he just looked at me like I had 10 heads. And that was it, it was over, my time was up and I had failed. So, I lowered my 10 heads and said "Thanks."
From that moment on I knew I would have to become famous, perhaps a famous writer and best friend Augusten and then David would be so jealous he would beg to be my friend...
So far, I am still working on it...after a few years of trying to stay away from David's books, I am back on the David Sedaris train, full throttle.
