So, one day, I'm man shopping online and see a dude's profile that is kind of funny. His words were funny, anyway. His pictures sort of confused me. He looked so different in each one and he had long hair that I didn't love down, but thought was really cute up. He wore speedos and seemed to be proud of this? He also appeared to have a couple of spawn. With all of this being said, I thought, this dude doesn’t seem right for me at all. So, I did nothing and moved on to the next profile I could analyze why the person was all wrong.
Half the fun of online dating is being able to see who looks at you. It can also be somewhat insulting when someone looks at you, but doesn't write you.This is worse when you’ve written them and they don’t reply and you are totally way hotter than them but, I digress, whatever.
Back to speedoland. A few days later, I was looking through the people who had looked at me and I see his profile pop up again. Well, actually, I see the picture and know it looks familiar. Every time I see his photo, I forget it is him, so I click on his profile, and there he is again, proud speedo dad. That's that. Next!
We do this back and forth profile scrutinizing thing for awhile. He stalks me, I stalk him, he stalks me, I stalk him. Over and over this happens and every time I think, oh he's cute, then I look at his profile and think, oh it's that guy, who I additionally thought had dated one of my friends a few years back.
On October 14, he finally bit the bullet and sent me a message. I wrote back, he wrote back, and then I forgot to write him back, and so on. In the midst of this awkward back and forth, I decided to tell him that he had dated one of my friends and really tried my hardest to convince him that he had indeed dated her. For some reason, he would not admit to this. He gave me his number. I ignored it. I had no time for this, and besides, why was he lying about dating my friend? At that point, online dating was simply an experiment. It was a like a yo-yo diet, I put myself on, took myself off, back on, off, on...off....on.....off...on, sort of...
This stupid little pattern repeated itself for weeks, months, two months to be exact.
Finally, he writes and says something along the lines of:
“Listen, we keep looking at each other's profiles and I don't want to pressure you into anything, you seem cool, and I'd like to have dinner with someone cool sometimes when I don't have my kids with me.”
When I read that, I thought:
“DONE!” I sighed at the magical thought of someone not having expectations nor demanding my attention (“Pay attention to me, pay attention to me! Stop your life for me because you should want to and who cares if you are busy.”). In fact, it was quite the opposite. I could roll with this!
Something softened in me. I felt more relaxed. I even felt myself open up to the idea of meeting him in real life. With that, I responded: I will give you my number, but if you send me a picture of your fucking cock, it is over.
Moments later, I received a text saying something like "How can I resist?" and another saying, "I'm sorry, I had to."
I thought to myself: “What the fuck is he talking about?!?!” and respond, "what?"
He replied with the following:
Yes, a picture of an actual cock. I literally laughed out loud. I wanted to meet this man...
We met in real life and to my dismay, he did not wear speedos on our first meeting. And, as it turns out, he had not dated my friend and I love the hair, especially up. Who knew?!
