Babies Babies Everywhere

Have you ever noticed that there are times throughout the year where everyone is pregnant? I have definitely noticed this pattern and right now seems to be pregnancy season.

I keep forgetting I am at the baby making age...in fact when I hang out with any kids, people tend to think they are mine, so I just go with it...it is starting to get to that point where people are asking if I have kids and suggesting I do so...a guy the other day told me I should because I have good looking genes...I didn't know that that was a good enough reason to procreate....

I am so immature that when I see pregnant women, the first thing that goes through my head is "she had sex." and then I giggle.






I see so many of these breeders on a daily basis, I have actually started counting how many I see at any given place. I should start counting how many pregnant ladies I see in a day. The other day, I was at TJ's and the pregnant lady count was 5. 5. This might not sound like a lot, but I was there for like 15 minutes. The .5
is the woman I saw with a new born.


Some might think that my fascination with pregnant women, their bodies,
placentas, birthing and babies means that my biological clock is ticking, I can appreciate that, but not sure I completely agree with it, I don't really know what I think, I am still trying to wrap my head around how cuddling naked leads to babies.

Do not get me wrong, I love kids and am totally fascinated by the fact that sex can lead to babies, your boobs swell, your body swells, you hopefully shit it out of your vagina and then your boobs become utters and all of a sudden, you are hopefully responsible for this little life. This is all wild to me. Part of me wants to try it out, because I can. My hips don't lie, my body was clearly made for this.

I definitely get nervous when I hear women say that their children ruined their bodies. I have a hard enough time keeping my bod in check without sending a little body wrecking alien through it. Then I hear others say that theirs were not ruined at all and they just loved being pregnant. I don't know what to think or believe. I am going to go with the non ruining body part because it makes me feel better and that's just what it will be for me, if I procreate.

Let's take this a step further, I don't think I am ready, but is anyone really ready for any of it? If you wait for the right timing, then you will be waiting forever won't you?

I wasn't always like this. For years I thought I would get married and have babies and live the "american dream" and then I started to question that dream...is it even my dream? Whose dream is it? Can I edit that dream into the dream I want it to be? Why not? Oh my ex said I couldn't and look where it got him...actually, I'm not really clear on where it got him.


As I said before and as most of you know, I love me some kids and am fascinated with pregnancy and all that, but I also love to give kids back.

A wise woman once told me that if you have never felt the love you have for your kids, you will never know that feeling and if you don't know what you are missing, than you are ok or something smart like that. She has two kids and is my new favorite person. I am not saying I won't reproduce, the hippy in me is not opposed to the whole baby making, baby coming out, breast feeding thing and is kind of into.

Date Shopping

Online dating. It's weird. It's like online shopping for people. Except, when you shop online for "things," you can read the reviews, and generally have a better idea of what you are going to get. Also, if you don't like it, you can just return it. It tends to be a little more difficult to return people. Believe me, I've tried.

So, one day, I'm man shopping online and see a dude's profile that is kind of funny. His words were funny, anyway. His pictures sort of confused me. He looked so different in each one and he had long hair that I didn't love down, but thought was really cute up. He wore speedos and seemed to be proud of this? He also appeared to have a couple of spawn. With all of this being said, I thought, this dude doesn’t seem right for me at all. So, I did nothing and moved on to the next profile I could analyze why the person was all wrong.

Half the fun of online dating is being able to see who looks at you. It can also be somewhat insulting when someone looks at you, but doesn't write you.This is worse when you’ve written them and they don’t reply and you are totally way hotter than them but, I digress, whatever.

Back to speedoland. A few days later, I was looking through the people who had looked at me and I see his profile pop up again. Well, actually, I see the picture and know it looks familiar. Every time I see his photo, I forget it is him, so I click on his profile, and there he is again, proud speedo dad. That's that. Next!

We do this back and forth profile scrutinizing thing for awhile. He stalks me, I stalk him, he stalks me, I stalk him. Over and over this happens and every time I think, oh he's cute, then I look at his profile and think, oh it's that guy, who I additionally thought had dated one of my friends a few years back.



On October 14, he finally bit the bullet and sent me a message. I wrote back, he wrote back, and then I forgot to write him back, and so on. In the midst of this awkward back and forth, I decided to tell him that he had dated one of my friends and really tried my hardest to convince him that he had indeed dated her. For some reason, he would not admit to this. He gave me his number. I ignored it. I had no time for this, and besides, why was he lying about dating my friend? At that point, online dating was simply an experiment. It was a like a yo-yo diet, I put myself on, took myself off, back on, off, on...off....on.....off...on, sort of...

This stupid little pattern repeated itself for weeks, months, two months to be exact.

Finally, he writes and says something along the lines of:

“Listen, we keep looking at each other's profiles and I don't want to pressure you into anything, you seem cool, and I'd like to have dinner with someone cool sometimes when I don't have my kids with me.”

When I read that, I thought:

“DONE!” I sighed at the magical thought of someone not having expectations nor demanding my attention (“Pay attention to me, pay attention to me! Stop your life for me because you should want to and who cares if you are busy.”). In fact, it was quite the opposite. I could roll with this!

Something softened in me. I felt more relaxed. I even felt myself open up to the idea of meeting him in real life. With that, I responded: I will give you my number, but if you send me a picture of your fucking cock, it is over.

Moments later, I received a text saying something like "How can I resist?" and another saying, "I'm sorry, I had to."

I thought to myself: “What the fuck is he talking about?!?!” and respond, "what?"

 He replied with the following:

Yes, a picture of an actual cock. I literally laughed out loud. I wanted to meet this man...

We met in real life and to my dismay, he did not wear speedos on our first meeting. And, as it turns out, he had not dated my friend and I love the hair, especially up. Who knew?!

Costco Dates

Have you ever had a first day date at Costco? If you haven't, you should really consider it. You get shit done, you see how the person acts in a public setting and then if all goes well, you can eat hot dogs together and people watch. I know, it sounds a little strange, but it really is a logical place for a date.

And then he was handsome...

It is the weirdest thing to me how people's looks change based on so many things, like the length of time you know them and the shit that comes out of their mouths.


More often than not, I find myself thinking, just shut up, why can't you just sit there and look pretty and let us just breathe your handsomeness. It is so very rare that I look at a guy and think, oh please, yes, talk more, ohh pleasee keep talking.

MMM Food...

Of course, there are a few exceptions to this rule, I love tech talk, food talk and when someone is knowledgeable and passionate about a topic(s).

And I am like, wow, you are getting HOT...

Anyway, the darnedest thing happened the other day. I was talking to a friend of mine, a much younger guy, attractive in an awkward young way. Around me, he tends to be on the shy side and giggles and puts his head down a lot and avoids eye contact. So, we start talking about businesses and all of a sudden, right before my eyes, he morphs into this confident, clear and concise man, full of wonderful, helpful and tangible ideas. Ideas, that he himself used to create his business, his business that is doing quite well.

I did not see this shit coming, but I swear to god, my eyes started to glaze over, I may have panted a little and I became the giggly one...he got so stupid attractive right before my eyes, I was and still kind am in a slight state of shock. How does that shit even happen? It's wild and I kinda love it.

Side Notes

I sometimes find myself fascinated by married people. Sometimes, I will watch them and couples alike and wonder what it is like to feel whatever it is, I imagine they are feeling. I wonder, am I missing something? Do they see something I don't?  Do they really have that said connection or are they just faking it? Do they really like each other that much? How did they get like that? Is what you see what you get? Really? I mean it is just so easy to make yourself appear one way on the outside and then at home, you are an entirely different person.

An interesting little ditty, having to do only partially with the above paragraph, in the last few months, I have been approached by several married men. No, this is not the first time, but this is the most recent time. Two of these men, don't want anything other than to live out some fantasies that their wives won't do.

One of them was showing me pictures of his kids and then asked me if I wanted to go home with him. I was like, huh? Seriously? Because I am getting a kick out of seeing pictures of your spawn, do you think I have any interest in opening my legs for you? Go home and bang your wife, you small dicked little fuck.


I am an open minded bitch and to some degree can kind of understand what may be going through the dudes minds, however, I also think it would be bad karma for me, maybe not for everyone, but for me and really, I don't want someone else's husband.

So, of course I need to know why these guys are doing what they are doing and when I ask them, "why is this ok?"
Their response is, " I do everything my wife wants me to do and she thinks I am  "perfect" and if I am not hurting her, it's ok". Part of me does kind of understand that to some degree, on some level, however if I found out about shit like that, I'd be like what the mother fucking fuck?! And cut a guy and/or a bitch (ok, not really, but it's funny to write).

Another question that pops up is, why the fuck do you think I am the girl who can help you with this? Do I look like I want to fuck someone else's husband? Are they calling me a husband fucker?




But let's take this whole thing a few steps further. If you never ever know that something happened, how can one be affected? I mean I get intuitions about things and I'm usually right and it drives me batty when I am told I am not right, when I clearly am, but the majority of the time, if you do not know something happened, then you can't really be upset, right?!

And a step even further, let's say you can have a secret tryst and keep it to yourself, great, but what if that guilt eventually sets in and starts to eat you alive and then you feel the need to stupidly tell your significant other how sorry you are. I think that act is the single most selfish act ever. You feel bad, so make them feel bad? Fuck that. Hold that shit in and don't let anyone find out ever, you fuck.

Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever

What does forever mean? What does Permanent mean?
According to good ole Miriam Webster Forever means:  for an endless time, for all time. For a very long time, at all times.

Permanent means: Lasting or continuing for a very long time or forever, not temporary or changing.


I always understood both of these words to literally mean always, constant, never changing. But nothing is constant, forever and not changing. If things were the same forever, life would suck. Let's discuss permanent hair dye, yeah that shit might stay in your hair forever, but your hair grows out. Permanent ink marker or tattoo ink - really? It fades, we die, again, not forever.


The sentiment "I will love you like this forever..." Key words being "like this" nothing like this will ever be forever. So, basically when someone is saying this to you, it is a lie. Yes, the sentiment is there and very nice, but it's a lie. People should really be more aware of the words that come out of their mouths.

Let's reflect on those definitions again. I swear when I was a kid, the key phrase (in each definition): "for a very long time" were not part of the definitions. Now that they have been added, I feel a lot better about it, thank you Miriam.

Moral of this story is, nothing in life is really forever. I mean even if you have the best intentions and want it to be, nothing will be exactly the same, ever. If everything is exactly the same all the time, I would get bored as shit, not sure about the rest of you. Do you ever get antsy and want to shake things up? I sure as fuck do.

Change can be scary and uncomfortable, but really, change is happening at all times. Look to your right, look to your left, boom, something shifted, your perspective, your hair, your fingers, maybe not the objects, but something has shifted around them. They now look different but the same.

What the fuck is this forever bull shit then? I am so confused. This shit could drive someone crazy.

There Once Was An App Named Tinder

After months and months of being harassed by a couple of my male friends, I finally downloaded the most addictive, stupidest, battery and time killinh app ever, Tinder to my iPhone. 

Isn't this just another version of "hot or not"? (Actually, after not much research, I am now questioning what the difference is between the two apps? Hot or Not you can access from your computer, but is that the only difference? I don't know, I am not in the mood to find out.)

Anyway, after being argued with over and over again, whether or not this Tinder is indeed a dating app or a game or just a time suck, I guess I have to agree to some degree, it is indeed another dating app. Really, it's, let's cut the shit, judge me and let me judge you bases on your pictures.


Riddle me this, is there proper Tinder etiquette? 
I like you -- heart or swipe right.
I don't like you - x or swipe left.





What is the proper etiquette when you run across someone you know?
There is no where to hide, plane as day, there you are. For me, I usually swipe right, why would I not? If you know me and do not swipe right or heart me, you will hear about it.


I am pretty sure most people do not play the game the way I do, but I dunno and I am a self admitted weirdo, so there.

So, like I said, I view the app as a game and I am apparently I am the only person in the world who views this silly little app this way (yes, I have spoken to everyone in the world and have hard data, I am indeed the only one who feels this way). But this comes as no surprise, I pretty much try to play life as a game, it is much more fun that way. I think most things should be turned into some version of a game, just to make it more fun. Who doesn't want to enjoy what they are doing? I sure as shit do.

If you have plenty of time to waste and are easily amused and have a good phone battery, I would suggest checking it out. If you have none of those things, than do not. Tinder on bitches. Tinder on.