Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut...Sometimes You Act Like A Nut...

Have you ever had someone in your life that makes you feel like you are absolutely nuts? No matter what you do or say, it is wrong and they have a long winded reason as to why. In your gut you know something is not right, but you hear that you are wrong enough times you begin to almost believe it and doubt yourself.






As hard as you try to keep yourself, you feel like you are losing a piece of you. You don't understand. You get really upset and then you forgive, because that's how you cope.

It happens to the best of us.The smartest, the prettiest, the kindest.
We want to believe that people are good hearted and well intentioned. But are they? Are they really that great or do we just want to believe that because in some way our association with them is a reflection of us? Or do we just try to convince ourselves of that?




Are these people so broken with hurt and sadness that they just wan't to control you and lie and make you feel nuts, build you up to knock you down because that's all they can do to keep going?


They tell you they are so good for you, even though they don't listen to your needs and wants, because it really has nothing to do with you. You want to help them, save them, comfort them, but no matter what, it is never enough, ever. 



The best part (not really) of it is that they are so insecure and so jealous. They say it's because of past experiences, but is it really that or is really because they are doing exactly what they are accusing you of? Resulting in making you feel even more crazy. 

Does this behavior make them bad people?




They feel so bad, they want to fill this hole that just can't be filled. They seek god for a second, they drink too much and pop pills and fill various girls "holes" and nothing seems to work. Somehow they have decided it is all your fault, you did made them do this and for a moment they may find some relief, but it doesn't last.


If they feel threatened at all and convince themselves that you might hurt them or did hurt them (because of course you did, because it is your fault...always). They vow they will get you back 10 fold. They know how to hit you when you are down. They know how to hit you when you are up. They want it to be all your fault and convince themselves that it really is your fault. Everything is your fault, you did this.

We have all heard that the things that people accuse us are what they are doing themselves or don't like about themselves. We don't want to believe, but we know it's true. We also don't want to deal with it because the backlash from that person is so intense and exhausting. So, we once again just give in.

After living through this and not telling anyone what was going on, ever, the best thing you can do, is walk away. Even if it breaks your heart and you have to leave things behind.

People are strange, they act and say and do weird things, men, women, everyone. We know maybe we should not be involved with someone, but we do it anyway. They say what we want to hear and they are good looking and they paint a wonderful picture, but it all fades and then you are left with a whole lot of shit.

You feel guilty, you feel hurt, you don't know what to do or why you feel this way. It's too bad we don't stick together more from the beginning. That it takes hurt to form an alliance.




Never let anyone make you doubt yourself.

Go with your gut.

And then steal your dog and trash cans back.

A Few Thoughts From The Treadmill...

I'll be the first to admit that I have a lot going on in my head. Sometimes you might have no idea what I am thinking about or how a conversation flows with me, but so much is going on in my head at the gym.

Most of the time on the treadmill, I am doing running intervals. I can often be found lip syncing the words of whatever music I am listening to.  More often than not, I like to imagine people around me thinking it is cute that I do this, but , I am sure no one really notices, just like I don't really notice them.

I then wonder how people would react if I just belt out the words of the song I am listening to. Let's keep in mind that I have an awful voice when I can hear, so it is probably that much more awful when I have headphones on and music blasting into my ears.

I like to think people would be amused by my singing aloud on the treadmill and think it cute. But in real life they would probably think I was crazy, I hope they would laugh though. I laugh when I hear people sing aloud. I also think that they must be a little crazy and probably slightly mentally unstable or drunk, but I still giggle. OK, so I might find the act slightly cuter than others.

I also wonder how people would react if I broke out into a silly dance on the treadmill.
Like this dude (please view later).




I also wonder what would happen if I just ate shit on the treadmill, like this lazy bitch.







Would people laugh or come to my aid or both and in what order?

If I saw someone eat shit, anywhere, I would do both and I can't dictate the order of which I would do these things because I think it would depend on so many things. Then again my reaction to most things uncomfortable is to laugh, yeah, I know, so normal.

Sometimes, I begin to hate people in my head (for no real reason) and that makes me run a little bit faster. Maybe I want to run away from these stupid feelings that feel like surfacing, maybe they are surfacing for a reason, so I can run them off.

One instance of the momentary head anger is: I see a girl and convince myself that she is probably dating my ex and then I create an entire relationship they are having with each other, yes, all in my head, yes, I do recognize that is weird, but it happens.

I am then so sure she knows who I am and I don't know who she is and god knows what lies (and truths) he has told her (I hate not know things). So naturally, she is texting him that I've been spotted and well, that's kind of it, but it fires me up more and then I run even harder because of course I then get sad because I think of my puppy and miss him.

And then (no and then) I get angry again because I naturally start to think of other people who I associate with that situation and decide to mentally and momentarily hate them too, so then, I run even faster. I am going so fast, that I am sure to fall, so I giggle a little, then I remind myself that it's not their fault.

And then I think even crazier thought, which I won't get into, but then I run even harder because I am so angry, in my head.







And then I again imagine me eating shit on the stupid treadmill and giggle, sometimes out loud, which if course makes me giggle even more and then by now I am done and feel wonderful.

My Dog Can Speak...

I know my dogs talk to each other. Well, at least Wazowski speaks to others or tells them what to do. I know, it sounds crazy, but I swear I can see it happening, if you pay attention, you can see it too. Sometimes they speak with their voices and sometimes (more often than not) I swear Wazowski tells other dogs what to do and he does it with his mind. If any dog is capable of doing this, it's this guy. He was probably a Shaman in a past life and for whatever reason was brought back as my sweet beastlette.

Mr. Mike Wazowski lookin all sweet and innocent...

Sometimes, in the car, he commands his brothers to look out the window and screams, "SQUIRREL"
And they look...

He commands Janx to lay on his side and look at this, he does!

"Atticus, get under the covers and put your head on momma's pillow, she will love it...what's that you say? She doesn't want fur on her sheets. Oh don't worry, she will be just fine, trust me." Famous last words...

"Atticus, you should be ashamed of yourself for getting under mom's sheets, hide under the bed you fool!"

"Lay in the corner!"

His talents are not specific to just dogs "Human give me your food!" 

He tells other beasts to give him some space.

And clearly, they listen...

He acts so innocent, but there is so much more going on in there.

At then end of the day, all Atticus can do is relax and have a drink, he has found no point in trying to resist Wazowski's powers, it's a lost cause.

My guys....

Yes, I am wild for dogs...

Especially my dogs...

 

Crazy dog lady? Maybe.

Date Rash

You know when you are just having one of those days (weeks, months, years) and try as you might, nothing seems to go how you want it to? It may not happen often, but when it does, it really throws ya for a serious loop and you start to question everything. I had one of those months a few weeks back, one particular couple of days were really bad. I  kept trying to ignore the signs of it and going on as usual, yeah, that did not work. My body literally broke down on me and screamed "Woman, what the fuck? Take a rest or something."

I felt it coming on and tried so hard to brush it off and then it hit me. I laid down on the couch, after hours of feeling sick as can be and started praying to god. I was convinced I might die. I could not move, eat, drink, talk (that's when you know there is a real problem), NOTHING at all. So, I lay. I slept, I sweat, I even cried a little, I slept and sweat some more and then it was finally the next day. With the new day, came a little bit better feeling. I could even get some water and a smoothie down.

In the midst of all of this chaos, I was asked on a date, but let me clarify, in my head, it wasn't like a real date, it was like a bro date, a bro I hadn't met yet, but still a bro and I was sure I could pull that off.

Yeah, well I do recognize that generally when normal people are having one of those weeks/days, they probably don't make plans or decide to send out any important emails, texts or phone calls, etc. etc. etc. (I don't think I did the last three things). This girl doesn't operate like normal people and I just could not not plan a date. Oh and did I tell you that along with feeling totally off, I was also late for like everything. I hate being late.

Anyway, it was no bro date day (two days after life was kicking my ass) and things were starting to feel much better. I even think that I may be at the tail end of this ass kicking thing, I am only running a few minutes late.

As I am frantically trying to wrangle the dogs together and get my ass out the door, I notice a little trail of red dots from the inside of my wrist leading up to the top of my hand and I think oh fuck, a rash. I quickly look at my other hand, same thing. I look down, both feet have this red, tight, hot rash thing going on, but it doesn't appear to be anywhere else, so I think, fuck it, I'll just cross my arms and hide my feet, no big deal, I can do this, coffee is a breeze, if anything this could be a gnarly birth mark or something and most people would be too chicken to say anything anyway.

I am now rashy and 7 minutes late. I park in a 90 minute parking spot, thinking, there is no way we will hang longer than that. I walk around the corner to the packed coffee shop and begin to worry. I think to myself omg, what if this dude is cross eyed, what eye will I look into? What if he is a midget? What if he is really fat? What if he is really old? What if he doesn't even show? So, many what ifs to think about.



I get a text altering me that he is there, I look up and he is right next to me. Alls I can do is laugh and tell him how creepy that was and it's totally my kind of creepy.

Ok, so we have made contact, so far so good, but I am not in the clear yet, we still need to sit down and have a conversation. We find a nice table outside and I strategically stick my feet under the table or his chair (alternating like a normal person would) and the hands go in the arm pits mostly and voila, he is none the wiser.

I think to myself, there is no way, he didn't notice this rash, but nothing was said. Two plus hours later, I exclaim, fuck I gotta move my car, but we talk more, finally I need to leave, so we bid each other adeiu and walk our separate ways and yup, I totally got a parking ticket. Doh.

I guess coffee with the bro went well because I was asked out again.. It took us a few weeks to coordinate our schedules (that's a whole other story), but it happened. I was so excited to see if bro would try to sneak a peak at my hands and feet, searching for evidence of rash or birthmark or something. I had a really funny vision of him trying to check the hands and feet out in my head.

He picked me up (I won't even get into it about the car), second thing out of my mouth was "so, did you notice I had a hand and foot rash when we met?" and began laughing hysterically. He laughed too and said no, he would not have even known. Dude, if I can totally pull a date off with a rash, I can do anything.

And no, he did not get a parking ticket.

Sweet Pedicab Nostalgia

I recognize that everyone has their things they are attracted to and that some people are attracted to "weirder" things than others. I'm not really sure what constitutes one person's weird vs another person's, but whatev.

I've been mulling over the things that might make me weird compared to the next person's weird and of course, there are a handful of things that might make me weirder than you. One of these things might just be the soft spot in my heart for pedicab drivers.

It's not that I'm in love with them or anything or quickly swoon when I am told someone drives a pedicab, but I do love the idea of them. When examining this "love" closer, I realize it is probably due to the sweet nostalgia of my old Austin life that it brings to me and kinda warms my heart and puts a little smile on my face.

I forgot about this funny attraction for a long time, but recently, as the pedicab business has been getting more abundant in this small city of ours, my affinity for them has come rushing back to me. Sweet and not so sweet memories of Austin flood into my whole body, reminding me of many a night spent on a Pedicab and/or hanging with pedi-cabbers. I don't know about now, but it was a raging business a few years ago and I can only imagine it has gotten bigger and bigger.

 I remember when I first saw a pedicab on the west coast, it was years ago on Catalina (there is one pedicab driver and I have no attraction to him what-so-ever, regardless, the nostalgia came back to me). My heart even did a special little pittter patter for it. I am not saying that I want every pedicab driver, that is not it at all, I guess it is more the act of pedi cabbing that I am attracted to for some reason. I can't pin point it exactly, but it is there.

Every time I see one here, I get that warm feeling of memory and a life I once lived, in a different place, a different girl, a different time. It all seems so far away, yet not far away at all. And reminds me to be grateful for this wonderful life each and every day, multiple times a day.