Becoming A Woman (and living with the male parent when it happened)

I think it is fair to say that as kids grow up there are a series of milestones for them. For my jew pack these milestones consisted of getting to the height and growing taller than my midget-like great grandmothers.

After we passed them, the next milestone was growing to be the same height as my maternal grandmother (who always claimed to be 5'3", but she was totally lying).

After that would have been my mom, only I really didn't pass her until I was 30, I'm pretty sure that I am the shrimp of the family because mom always told me she hoped I was taller than her, way to keep me down lady.

So, in a girl's life, I guess the next major milestone is her period or her bat mitzvah. As a female, I can tell you that I was so excited and so scared and confused about this whole situation, both the period and the bat mitzvah. I mean one day I am a kid, then I gain weight, more mood swings than usual and then bam, all of a sudden I have hips and old men love me more than normal. I swear to god, men can sniff those phermones out like it's their jobs. And the hormones, omg, forget about it.

When I was about 11 I started spotting, nothing big and then it was gone. At the time, my mom was living in the house every other week. Around this time she said, if you get your period and I'm not here, there is equipment in my bathroom. I looked under the sink and there pads that looked like baby diapers and tampons you had to stick in with your finger, how on earth would I do that?

I was confused. And the fact that she called it equipment was horrifying, no other mom called their period gear equipment, why the heck did she have to? 

Anyway, about a year later she was out of the house and so was her period gear. I had been feeling a little strange and had a feeling that day was coming and soon. I was at school and kept running to the bathroom, nothing.

I get home and guess what this little girl got, aunt flow. I ran up to my mom's old bathroom, just to double check, there is no way a mom, who knows her daughter would get her period any second now would take everything...guess again, my mom took every last thing, even the tampons that you had to manually insert.

I didn't know what to do, so I put toilet paper in my underpants.

I had a female baby sitter, she was pregnant, which meant no periods.

I had a female tutor, pretty sure you didn't talk about these things with her.

I was forced to tell my dad when he got home.

Hours and hours and hours later, he finally got home. He then tells me a friend is coming over, a friend I happen to find attractive, a male friend. I turn white and go to my room. Friend comes over and leaves. I realized I must tell my dad about the situation.

I start a shower, as I am letting the water heat up, I walk out to my dad and quitety mumble "I got my period." And try to walk or run away.
He says what? What do you need?
I say, I don't know, you would know better than me.

So, he starts making phone calls. Keep in mind this is the day of the land line and most people had answering machines, so messages were left for everyone in the house to hear. He calls my mom, he calls all his lady friends and no one picks up and on every single answering machine he leaves a message like this "we have a little bit of an issue, not a big issue, call us back" finally someone picks up and tells him what to get, I thank god it was her and not my mother who would have had him get me child diapers or something...

No one told me to take advil. Night one with the period was brutal.  I was up with what I later found out were cramps, but I was pretty sure I was dying at the time.

The next day, I go to the kitchen for breakfast and my dad asks how I am feeling and if I am wearing anything. I think I died right there.

Although, that was mortifying, I am pretty sure that helped make me the woman I am today, blogging about her first period. 

Yes, Both Of My Parents Gave Me Sex Talks

Don't know about you, but I started getting sex talks from my parents at a very young age. I asked my mom why once and she said it was because I always understood about sex. I laughed at sex jokes as a small child, when the adults were laughing, I laughed, they would ask, do you understand what that means? And, I would reply yes and then explain...in detail.

                                            

I always did like males and they seemed to like me too, especially the old guys (what the fuck is that about?!). Anyway, not the point. I acquired my first boyfriend at age 15, it would have been sooner if it hadn't taken me a year to convince him he was in love with me. Regardless, the sex talks started way before that. 

This boyfriend, lived far far away, in a far off land of non west side LA, so sometimes he would sleep over. My dad made him sleep on a different level of the house as me. He had to keep his daughter safe (knowing I am very much like him).

When I acquired this boyfriend, the sex talks started getting more and more frequent...From what I remember, my mom's sex talks went something like this:

"Don't be stupid use a condom. Sex is more emotional than you think, but still don't be stupid use a condom."

My mom now has no shame talking about all things sex. Golden showers and she is even kind enough to inform me what glory holes are and where I can find them if ever interested. She really gives me the info about the things I need to know in life.

My dad's sex talks started early too and were a bit more awkward. he was trying to be the responsible adult and put the fear of god or fear of babies in me.  Although his talks were pretty much along the same lines as my mom's, he had to throw in the obligatory dad comment of "guys just want one thing, to get in your pants."
Little does he know, that I know what he proclaimed to my mom and grandmother after he delivered me from my mom's vag. I will save that comment for another time.

I am not really sure my parents ever really gave me the "when a man and a woman really love each other" speech, I mean, they may have tried, but I don't think so. I did have a few books explaining sex as a good, I think those covered the man and woman loving each other stuff. I also had another one about not letting weird people touch you in your "no zones".

I remember once, my dad and I were getting ready to pick my brother up from somewhere and I could tell he was getting ready to say something that was going to make us both feel weird and then he sprung it on me, do you know how you get pregnant? I was like, huh? Well, when a man and a woman really love each other....he cut me off and advised that I cut the shit, do you know how you could get pregnant. 

And then there was my little brother. Was he given sex talks? I don't know. Did his girlfriends have to sleep on different levels of the house? Nope, because that little fucker can't get pregnant.
My dad just informed me that it's not like making my ex sleep on a different level of the house ever kept me from doing anything. No wonder.

I couldn't resist...

I Didn't Even Know We Were Together

Sometimes I am oblivious, not to  much, but with dudes, kind of oblivious. Some might call me a flirt, but really I am kind of retarded.

First kisses, super awkward, once we get past that, than we are ok, as long as you like to laugh, maybe get bitten and scratched a little.

Talk too straight forward in the courting process when I am not into you, you are out.

Pull away too much in the courting process, also out.

There is a very fine line men and most of you probably haven't a clue where I stand with you. Maybe I should start pulling their hair or throwing things at them.



All is fine and good with sober flirting...

When I have been drinking, it can get even weirder.

Still kind of retarded, but a little more open (shocker I know). So, picture this, packed bar, lots of men and me. I am in heaven, almost overwhelmed, but not at all really. Just taking it all in.

I may be oblivious, but only sometimes and often, I really only play oblivious. My grandmother always said I had a look in my eye at all times that said "I know something you don't know and I'm not gonna tell ya."



Some people (who clearly do not know me), think I am oblivious. Guess I fooled those suckers. When it comes to other human's contact, I see and hear most things, I'd probably be a killer match maker...

The other night, I watch some guy scan the bar, he glances at me, I see him look at his friend standing next to me, I think, hmmm, what's his plan of attack? I look away and then a second later, he is next to me, he has come in for the kill. The kill being me. He strategically plants himself between his friend (married) and me.

We all talk, his friend leaves, he stays. We talk some more, kind of an awkward convo, something about his parents owning a street somewhere, but he doesn't want to talk about it, but whatever, I laugh. I talk to other people, I talk to him. We have so much in common, says he. He then all of a sudden notices all the men in the bar, funny enough, he wants to get me out of the bar, says something about all the guys are hitting on me and he doesn't want to fight them (he is man, hear him roar)...I laugh and remind him that they are all drunk, so it's not really hitting on. I finally consent to switching up locations.

 

We  relocate, we talk, we laugh, we discuss marriage and kids, men's favorite topic as of late, jeez. He wants to go to yet another bar, maybe a bar where I don't know everyone or don't talk to everyone (best of luck with that). I consent and say "let's go, I am gonna run to the restroom first, be right back." I do my thing, I come back out and my friend (who has been sitting outside the entire time) says "I think you were just dumped".  I consider what he is saying, look around for a second and sit down realizing dude is no longer there, so I look at my friend and say, "I didn't even know we were together, I wonder if I should be mad."

Things I Do Not Understand

I didn't think there was that much that I didn't understand, well, within reason anyway, but am exploring the things I don't understand further, I realized there is a fuck ton I don't get. Basic, simple things that maybe you never think about or you understand. So, I decided to make another fucking list, but I love me some lists. So, anyway, off the top of my head, here are a few things that I don't understand...this week.



The Don't Understand This Week List:

1. Attractive homeless people. Homeless people are not suppose to be attractive. They are suppose to be ugly.

2. Fat homeless people --> is this a direct example of how the metabolism can work against you if you don't eat enough or are the homeless people in Southern California eating better than I am. Something to ponder

3. Old  men love me, they always have. I don't get it. Do I have a sign on me that says, "hey old man, you should probably love me?"

4. Why some dogs lift their legs to pee and others do not?






5. Really tall skinny, lanky men and very round, short women --> it like makes sense but doesn't

6. Who decided utensils were a good idea? I love to eat with my fucking hands, not everything, but most things. Let's go back to the dark ages and eat the most fun way possible, with our hands!

\

7. Why is swearing called swearing and why is it so bad?

8. If we are going there, let's take it a step further, why is anything called anything?



9. What does it all mean?



10. Why do we look alike, but nothing alike at the same time?



11. I know there is a lot of talk about this,  but attraction, I don't get it, why are we attracted and not attracted to people?

12. Why do some people look so good and then when you get to know them, you'd much prefer they don't talk and just sit there and look pretty?!

13. Why are some people so annoying, you just can't stand them? And some days you can tolerate and other days, you really just can't at all ever and you just want to be mean, but feel bad, because you don't understand why you can't handle the annoying-ness.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

14. Why does sushi taste so good (to me)????!

15. Are you bored yet?





16. Why is this statement so true?

17. What are that?

18. Why do most things midget amuse me so?

19. Why am I so easily amused? I don't really care, it makes life so much fun for me.

20.  What is going on here?

21. Why do I hate even numbers so much? 

22. Who came up with happily every after?

23. Why would anyone want to be "normal"? Come to think about it, I don't even know what "normal" is.

24. Word puns, why do they make me smile so much, even when they are kind of sad?

25. Why ask why? Wine not. 

The Things that Happen in Planned Parenthood's Waiting Room

This may sound strange, but I have spent my fair share of time in the waiting room of Planned Parenthood. Yes, in fact, if you have ever been to PP, you find that even if you make an appointment, it doesn't seem to matter, they are always at least 30 min late, always. So, no matter what, anyone spends a good amount of time in the waiting room.

Sometimes it is really frustrating, other times it is amusing and I almost appreciate the time and can observe the mild to not so mild awkwardness. The men, the women, the kids (who look like little men and women and you know should not be having sex). Those little people make me giggle, little hoochie mamas dragging their thug boyfriends in.

Every single time I am in that waiting room, I look around and wonder, what are you here for? What about you? And you? And the dudes, why are you here? Dude's at PP? Are they getting snipped? Tested or with their ladies?  Why are you here?! So far, I have always resisted from asking. I swear, cross my heart.

I got hit on once by a guy who was in the waiting room, it was so weird. Stay tuned for that later. I've never dragged a dude into PP with me, I think I tried once to bring a boyfriend (just to see if he would come), but he didn't get the hint and honestly, he probably would not have been as amused with the strange happenings in the waiting room anyway, better I just went alone so I could observe properly.

So, as I was saying, I went to PP the other day, as I was heading out the door of the house, I exclaimed, to no one in particular that I'm always interested as to why guys are in the waiting room. What is the purpose of their visit? Then I left.

I get to PP, and realize I am 15 minutes early, which means maybe they will only be running 45 minutes late. I'm sitting there and there aren't that many people in there. Mostly women and then a man walks in, not just any man, but a man that I know. A tow truck driver, who I keep running into him for various reasons. I won't go into detail, but it's weird and I definitely do not want to think of him with a wiener at all. Really town, are you that small?! Apparently.

But really, every time I set foot in PP, I look around the room, imagining half the people naked (Let's be honest, that's not really reserved just for my time at PP). I look at girls and sometimes think: You have a vagina? Really. You sir, have a penis, that's so weird. I kinda wonder what that looks like, but I don't really wanna know, but I do. No, I don't. Stop brain, stop.

Always, when I look around the waiting room, I wonder...

And...

So, I am sitting in the waiting room, minding my own business, sort of and I hear from the other side of the door (that is buzzing) "Is this the door I am suppose to go into. Hey, Hey, is this it?!"

Then the door clicks open and a small woman walks into the waiting room with the rest of us, I guess she finally figured out the door situation. Let me point out, what might not be obvious to you...you really don't have a lot of doors to choose from, the door you enter from is literally right in front of you and has a fucking buzz sound when they are letting you in, so unless you are deaf, you are a fucking idiot for not realizing the door is right fucking there.

Anyway, she comes inside (that's what he said) and sits down next to the tow truck driver.

At the exact same time, the news is on the TV, which is right above my head. So, I am eye fucking this chick, while trying to avoid eye contact with tow truck driver,  all I hear from the TV is something about a strain of weed being grown and sold in Colorado named after one of their football players and then I lose it and can't stop giggling.

In the midst of my giggle fit,  I hear..."hey, hey, I like your shirt. HHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYY. heeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy."

I look up and the loud woman is shouting at some girl across the room. A girl who clearly has head phones on...The lady doesn't care, she just keeps on hey-ing. Finally, head phone chick realizes she is being spoken to and takes the ear phones off.
Loud mouth repeats, "I love your shirt, where did you get that?"
Girl says, "Thanks. I used to work at a thrift shop in San Louis and got it there."
Loud Mouth "It's dope, did you get in LA?"
Girl "Um, no, I got it in San Louis"
Loud Mouth "Were there a lot of them? I bet it's like one of a kind huh?"
Girl "I don't know, it was years ago, but I think they are pretty common shirts."
Loud Mouth "Oh, in LA?"
Girl "Um, no."
Loud Mouth "Well, I like your shirt."
Girl "Thanks."

Then loud mouth's phone rings extremely loud and what do you know she answers it ON SPEAKER. I shit you not, this really happened. On the other end of the speaker phone is a guy's voice. He actually sounds "normal" but whatever, and he asks the chick what she is up to.
She explains that she is at planned parenthood, to which he says "ahhh, taking care of business"
She says "yup, yup, hey come over here, I have some smokes"
He says "ok, where is it again?"
I think it's off Garden, then she asks to the entire waiting room, we are off garden right?!
Yup.

Everyone is looking around, thinking what the fuck?!

Then she says, "the doors locked, so call me when you are outside. Seriously, call me and I will come out. Laters. "

What the fuck is going on here?!

And just like that, I was called in and all I could think was, just another afternoon in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood.

And did you know AIDS/HIV tests only take 10 minutes now? You don't have to wait. Amazing. And, I am clean.

Porn Talk

Let's talk porn. I personally am not so into porn, but if I were to walk into a room and it was on, I would probably watch it, if I walked into a room with you watching it, I would definitely have strange feelings about you for awhile (double standard? yup), but I might be slightly turned on (I probably wouldn't admit it either because of the weird feelings I now have for you). I'm a let's talk a little dirty and rile me up kinda girl as opposed to the porn type, but to each their own.

I am fascinated with porn and porn watchers though. I'd like to know if there is porn with a real plot, in my limited experience, it seems not. I mean like a real plot? Is that even possible?


When I was a kid my step-brother made me watch a porn called Beaverly Hillbillies (yes, it was the early 90's and the porn was probably older than that). I do recognize that this sounds very wrong, but we were kids whatever. I remember thinking to myself, man this is bad, surely someone (me) could write a better story line. I have yet to have the attention span to write porn with a plot, but the idea does pop into my head from time to time.

I am especially interested in midget porn. I know it sounds weird, but here's why. I hear these guys "members" are the same size as "normal" guys. How can that be? Did someone fuck with me? Does it mean their privates touch the ground? How can anyone not be fascinated by this and not think about this? Clearly, I have never watched a little person porn, I like the idea of it in my brain better than actually having to sit and watch it.

What about smaller wiener porn? Some women and/or men might be into that right? There is the old wives tail that Asian men tend to have smaller penises, but really not all of them can be that small, can they? I'm sure some have got to have long shlongs, right?!

I self admittedly am not a huge watcher of porn, I much prefer a little skinimax to get the mood going or even better some sexy talk and touching rather than the porn (preferably by someone I like, if I don't like you and am not really attracted to you and you try to this, forget it).

I rented a gay man porn once because I wanted to know how gay sex worked. I truely do not think half the men in the porn were not gay and get this, weirdest part, a lot of the stuff was bj's and man missionary. How wild is that? I'm always curious about man sex, actually woman sex too, but man sex is way more interesting. I do love meeting gay men and being able to speak and ask my questions freely about everything having to do with gay man sex. It fascinates the shit out of me. Nothing like I thought it would be.

And those are my thoughts on porn...today anyway.

No I am not, but I couldn't resist, this made me laugh, out loud

Unique

I realized at a young age that I didn't do things how others do them. Just because I realized that, didn't mean I acted like it. Now at the ripe age of 33, I have pretty much come to terms (and reminded daily) that I look "normal" but don't do things how other people do them. Apparently, I am very unique. That seems to be the adjective of the month, so in case, any of you fuckers were wonder what the word means, here ya go.

According to Google this is what Unique is:

u·nique

yo͞oˈnēk/

adjective

1. 1.

   being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else.

   "the situation was unique in modern politics"

   

   synonyms:

   distinctive, distinct, individual, special, idiosyncratic; More

noun

archaic

1.

a unique person or thing.

According to the Urban Dictionary it is:

1.	unique Share on twitter Share on facebook Share on more
	Hey look at me, I'm over the line. Step Outside your box Bitches! Unique isn’t just a word that teachers tell their “special”  students they are, its means being different in usually a  good a way, unlike the rest of the common world.  It is when everyone wears white and one person wears purple.  Someone’s unique way of talking. I hate how most people  define this world like, Mr. Rodgers is trying to comfort you.  Being unique is a good thing, most of the time anyway. Her feather hat was unique.
2.	Unique Share  on twitter Share on facebook Share on more
	Doing or believing in different things than most. Sarah is unique. Who the fuck is Sarah?! I'm Alice.
I can't figure out how to move what's down there, up here. aaaaahhhhhhh, help me, I'm blonde
3.	unique Share on twitter Share on facebook Share on mo
	Something very hard to find these days... TOO MANY DAMN FOLLOWERS OUT THERE.  Why can`t people just keep it real!?  Who cares if someone wears stuff that isn`t in style.  Is it just me, or is EVERY girl`s favorite color: pink?? People do/wear/what you like. Not because everyone else does/wears it.  BE YOU. FOLLOWER: " omg i should buy that, its IN STYLE! UNIQUE: " WHY?!:S its fucking ugly FOLLOWER: But if I don't, I'll be a total lozer!! BESIDES EVERYONE ELSE HAS IT! UNIQUE: " *bitchslaps* YOUR SUCH A FOLLOWER. BE YUU, BITCH!:@ So what is the conclusion here today?